Wednesday, 14 May 2014

What have I done? What do I do?

I haven't blogged in ages, this is testament to how busy my new role has been. This is not a moan per se....I know how busy it is at this time of year, I see it in my twitter feed and the faces of my colleagues in all departments.
That said there was no doubt in my mind I was struggling. I was tired, all the time, I couldn't focus to get things done. I got ill, I went back, It didn't get better.

For the last few months I have been battling this constant feeling of tiredness and paranoia. I feel inadequate and spied upon. I can imagine meetings happening in offices about me and how I can't do my job and how they have made a mistake. I totally appreciate how mad that sounds....totally mad, but it's how I feel.

I've tried and tried to get on with it and be normal, putting it down to immense pressure of exams and marking and this and that...but I can't get better. I rested, I slept, but it didn't matter.

I went to the doctor who supported me, I've had a lot of tests but nothing concrete as of yet.

Then this week started. I woke up on Monday and fainted. I haven't been to work since, I can't drive and I hurt. My hands and feet and knees are swollen up and just walking up the stairs leaves me out of breath.

So here I am, stuck at home considering my health and my future. Worst thing is I'm not alone. you don't have to delve too deeply into social media to find other teachers who are broken and signed off.

I'm seriously starting to think about whether I've made a mistake, whether I should be looking for something back in special ed. where I was happy, whether I should be considering leaving teaching and if that's the case what do I do?! There is also the mortgage to consider....still needs to be paid, can't avoid it.

I can't begin to tell you how scared I am about the way I feel, and how the future is going to pan out. I want to be happy in whatever role I choose to do, I don't want to feel spied on or judged in this 'negative way.'

I just want to be me again. Whatever that means. 

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